This week, I want to write about weapons - videogame
weapons, that is. In a conversation with Random V, the topic of the dumbest
videogame weapons came up. When talking about Final Fantasy VIII, a game that I
rather enjoy and she hates, she said that Squall's Gunblade has got to be the
dumbest weapon ever. This prompted me to explore idiotic weapons and come up
with a worst weapons list.
Now, it's easy enough to list weapons I personally don't
like (oversized shiny BFG-types), or weapons that are impossible for a human to
wield (Cloud's Buster Sword), or that just are outright silly in the context of
"weapons" (the South Park snowball), but instead I propose a simple
process. We must ask: Is it a ridiculous weapon in the context of similar games?
Then, is it a ridiculous weapon in the context of the franchise? Finally, is it
a ridiculous weapon in the context of the game? Weapons that answer
"yes" to all three questions will be included, while weapons that
answer "yes" to only one or two will be considered. Also, they can't
be joke weapons. Just useless or ridiculous. If there are several weapons in a
single franchise, we will use dual entries.
For example, let us consider Squall's gunblade. Within the
real world, yes, a sword where the user presses a trigger to fire up the target
that they have already cut in half is stupid. However, when taken in the
context of sci-fi RPGs, a futuristic sword isn't ridiculous. In the context of
Final Fantasy, a specialty sword is pretty much an everyday thing. And in the context
of Final Fantasy 8, it can be argued that the Gunblade is actually one of the
better weapons.
So then, with that in mind, let us explore the crappiest
weapons in videogames.
Type 1 Energy Weapon/Sword
- Halo
I almost considered including the much weaker Needle gun
that tops many "crappy weapons" list around, but I decided against
it. Why? If one thinks about it, the world of Halo is incredibly advanced and
most combat revolves around fire arms. Whether it's laser guns or live ammo
guns, the Halo battlefield is one where shots are constantly flying.
And amidst that battlefield, a lone figure scurries about,
waving... a plasma sword. Talk about bringing a knife to a gun fight.
I know, I know, it's about speed, and it does damage, and
it's for the true badass Halo master and so on. I'm not saying that it doesn't
take a badass to use it, it does! However, if I were in the Halo universe, I
will take a warthog and a dependable gunman over a shiny sword every time.
The Knife - Resident
Evil
Resident Evil is set in a world where an infection turns
people into zombies. In the Resident Evil games, zombies seek players out to
bite them, hunters look for them to cut their heads off, and zombie dogs break
through windows to chew them into pieces. What would a highly trained member of
the special forces use against such enemies? A knife.
Yes, in a world where zombies can chop someone to death,
Jill, the "master of unlocking", sometimes opts to stab creatures to
death - creatures that can only be killed with a shot to the head.
Brass Knuckles - Doom
It so happens that you find yourself in a maze full of
monsters. Big, angry monsters with fangs and claws. Monsters that can bite your
head off your shoulders. What is the best way to protect yourself? Your fists.
What better way to take down an angry rampaging 10 feet tall horned demon with
fangs?
Waka's Blitz Ball -
Final Fantasy X / Setzer's Cards - Final Fantasy VI
The world of Final Fantasy is known for its swords and
sorcery. In the Final Fantasy franchise, characters would use swords, sorcery,
martial arts training, and in the more sci-fi driven worlds they use guns.
In Final Fantasy VI, Locke uses swords, Terra uses magic,
Umaro uses brute yeti strength, and Edgar uses a chainsaw. Setzer, the gambler
and owner of the world's only airship, uses a deck of playing cards and the
party's currency. Yes, in Final Fantasy 6, there is a character that throws
cards at dragons. They're not special magical cards, and unlike X-Men's gambit,
they're not even psychic-charged cards. They're just normal playing cards. And
if that isn't enough, his special move is Coin Toss, where damage dealt depends
on how much gold one throws at the opponent.
It's hard to think of a more useless weapon than Setzer's
cards, but Waka's Balls give them a run for their money. In a world where an
ultimate god is out on a quest to destroy reality, the hero uses a sword, the
heroine uses a staff, and the supporting cast uses katanas, spears, sorcery
(let's face it, Lulu's dolls only serve as focus for her magic), and claws.
Waka, however, uses a ball. It's not any special kind of ball, it's just a
ball. Sure, it's a "blitz ball", but "blitz" doesn't stand
for any kind of special modifier. It's a sport. Saying that someone is using a "blitz
ball" as a weapon is like saying that someone is using a basket ball as a
weapon.
Raphael's Sai -
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Donatello has a bo-staff which had incredible range.
Leonardo has a set of dual katanas that do amazing damage. Even Michaelangelo's mediocre nunchauks do
decent damage and have adequate range. Raphael's Sais, however, do very little
damage and have no range whatsoever. It's incredible one pixel attack range
made it feel as if the "cool" turtle (cool according to the intro, I
always found him to be the crappiest one) had a negative attack range.
In the end, I would say that as far as weapons are
concerned, designers have by and large done a good job at making weapons
consistent within the game world expectations. Weapons often hailed as
"ridiculous" include the South Park cow launcher and the Dead Rising toy
sword. However, within the world of South Park, something as absurd as a cow
launcher makes sense, and the Toy Sword is clearly meant to be a prank weapon,
much like the Bug Net in Soul Calubur 2. These don't mean bad design, they mean
in-game joke.
ARGH ok, except in Final Fantasies. Let's face it, Final Fantasies are filled with weapons that try to say "aren't I cool?" but really say "wow that's stupid", SPECIALLY if we take away the "it must work within the game world" qualifier. If we were to bring video game weapons into the real world? Man. A 7' tall broad sword? A gun-arm? A painting brush? Dice? If I hadn't t set a limit when I began writing, this could just be called "Final Fantasy has sucky weapons", but I decided against that and instead chose the dumbest ones within the FF world. I think I can live with a magical paint brush and magic dolls.
Now, back to the list - certainly a case can be made that the first version of the
Needler Gun (aka Pink Mist) and Megaman's Leaf Shield should be on the list,
but once again within the context of each world these weapons work. A small
handgun that fires thin needles (and once deemed as useless is upgraded for
later iterations) and metallic leaves manipulated through electromagnetic
currents can be considered as valid weapons.
Anyway, here's me signing out.
*Takes out Metal Gear Solid cigars*
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